Description:
  This is one o’ them Macho-Guy Recipes from Buck’s Blue Collar Cook Book. It's the perfect way to enjoy all that turkey your more proficient buddies bagged this spring then generously shared.

  Ingredients:
  Six Pack of Beer preferably Corona or Miller Genuine Draft. Very cold, this ain't England.
  A can of stale beer: here, any brand will do.
  A fifth or more of Kentucky Bourbon. I prefer Wild Turkey 101 proof and it does seem appropriate!
  One cup or so of Southern Comfort.
  2 – 3 pounds ground turkey. Okay, you could use store-bought meat, but trust me, Pilgrim, it just don't have the flavor of a wild bird. Also, the thighs are best for this but the breast will do. Just be sure to toss the heart, liver and gizzard into the grinder along with that breast meat.
  A big jar of Jalapeno peppers.
  Buck Thorn's Deep In Dixie Firewater (That there's hot sauce, Pilgrim. What did ya think it was?)
  Chili powder
  Cumin
  Salt
  Course ground black pepper
  Flour
  Shortening
  Sour Cream
  Peanut oil - Okay, whatever edible oil you have on hand will do. (DO NOT use Castrol 10W-30! It gives the food a funny aftertaste.)
  Generous portion of Honey - No, not her! The kind from a bee.

  Preparation:
  Carefully measure a shot of Bourbon and set aside.

  Open one of the cold beers.

  Drink the Bourbon and chase it with the beer.

  Mix equal parts of honey and Southern Comfort until you have enough to fill a coffee cup or an empty Campbell’s soup can. Set this aside.

  Heat a little oil in a large skillet till the oil is ready to smoke. Turn the heat off and add the turkey and pour in a half can or so of the stale beer.

  Warning: If you’re using beer you collected after the fellers left last night, watch for them cigarette butts. I know some of you like the tang they add, but that’s a personal choice you’ll have to make. At any rate, I would at least pick the butts out and discard just for the sake of appearances.

  Turn the heat back on "high" and add a bunch of the chili powder some cumin, salt, pepper, a shot of Bourbon and half the juice from the jalapenos.

  If you like, you could cut a large green pepper into eight or nine big pieces and throw them in the pot also. (Be sure you do this early in this routine, knives and Bourbon don't mix well) Bring the mess back to boil then lower the heat to a simmer.

  Drink another shot and chase it with a beer.

  Now mix the flour and shortening. We're going to make pastry dough so you can get that recipe from any female you know. Make enough to just about fill both your hands. Slug another shot and knead the dough until the wave of nausea is gone. Spread the dough on a fairly flat and reasonably clean surface and roll it out till it's about as thick as a bream (catfish, blue gill, perch, etc.) fillet. If you're drinkin' from a fifth of Wild Turkey, Old Crow or I.W. Harper, you can use the round bottle for a rolling pin. If you don't have a round bottle, a soft ball bat, the case your rifle scope came in or even a fluorescent trouble light will do.

  Using a dull table knife or spatula, cut the dough into 3" squares and have another shot and chaser. You could substitute Pillsbury biscuits and eliminate a lot of work. You can also use those little crescent roll triangles but they only have the three sides and I’m not sure how to convert that. You know, if you use 12 four-sided pieces, do you need 16 three sided ones and so on. It’s up to you, but let me assure you, the conversion problem gets worse and worse as the drin..., - I mean cooking - progresses.

  Is the meat ready? Is all the liquid gone? If not, turn the heat up to high and watch it.

  Note: This is a good time to see if that bourbon has 'turned'. Know whut ah mean? And you know that beer ain't gettin' any colder.

  When the liquid is gone, remove the pieces of green pepper and spoon out a portion of the meat that would just about fill a 12 gauge Federal shot shell. As a matter of fact, I have found that a used magnum Federal shot shell in #4 to #00 is the perfect measure. I favor the green ones ‘cause they don't show dirt so readily.

  Place this meat portion in the middle of the dough square and wrap the dough up around the meat. Wet your hands and the dough won't stick so badly, but use extra care with your beer cause that naturally makes your hand slippery-er.

  Heat the oven to about 350. Drop (this is the important part, hence the name of the dish) the wrapped turkey onto a greased sheet or whatever will fit into the oven and stick it in. After about 5 minutes, brush the droppings with the honey-liquor mix. Do this every 5 minutes or so and bake till the crust is the color of a late summer whitetail buck.

  Have another shot and chug a beer.

  Wait until that wave of nausea goes away.

  Remove and let cool for at least 15 minutes.

  Set 'em on a plate, bucket lid or whatever you eat from, pour a little honey-liquor mixture over them, plop a dollop of sour cream on top and there you go - Buck Thorn's O-riginal Turkey Droppings Supreme-o!

For an extra visual effect, top the dollop of cream with a piece cut from a ripe black olive.

  If you can't wait the 15 minutes, better pop open another cold beer cause the meat in the middle will sizzle on your tongue. Some people like that. In that case just wash the burn off with a long gulp of cold beer and numb the tongue with another shot.

  Serving Suggestion:
  These little turkey filled babies go great with whiskey, beer, tequila, koumiss (fermented mare's milk) or any combination of these popular drinks. For variety, I like to impale them, while hot out of the oven, on the tip of my 15 inch Argentine bayonet and dip them in Buck's Firewater then the sour cream. If Buck Thorn's Deep In Dixie Firewater isn't available, any really good, hot sauce such as Texas Pete will do.

  These can be made with many varieties of ground meat. Beef, bear, wild boar, possum, venison, wood chuck, komodo lizard or even kangaroo. However, even though I don't want to be labeled a neigh-sayer, I would never use horsemeat.

  At least not as the mane ingredient.

  Number of Servings: Depends - did you use the biscuits or the crescent rolls?

  Preparation Time: How much Wild Turkey did you have on hand?

  Thanks Buck for sharing this recipe. To see more great recipes for wild turkey his season, visit our site at www.backwoodsbound.com/zturkey.html.

  Send in your favorite recipe to mail@backwoodsbound.com and we'll post it on the site or use it in an upcoming issue of The Bullet.

  Anyone who has ever chased after the long beards knows what suspicious and wary animals these birds are. And I’m here to tell you about the most clever and elusive Tom this old boy has ever gone after.

  The story began a few years ago down in the rolling hill country of East Tennessee.

  There was the story going 'round about a remarkable old tom that had been spotted rarely but with enough frequency to be taken seriously. Sure there are as many stories about huge, old and wise birds eluding hunters as there are turkey hunters. Especially among unsuccessful turkey hunters.

  "He was at least 25 pounds!"

  "He had a two foot beard!"

"That tom's tail spread was eight feet if it was an inch!"

  And so on and so on. Heck, some might say that even I had contributed to the growing legend surround the Tomster, as he was known.

  One truly remarkable thing about the Tomster was his supposed travels. In a couple of years, hunters had spotted this guy from the banks of the Mississippi to the Virginia border. An area of thousands of square miles. If true, the Tomster had racked up a bunch of frequent flier miles.

  Anyways, to make a long yarn er, story, short, he actually lived in wooded area in Jefferson County. In Talbott, Tennessee to be exact. And I knew where!

  Well, I knew about where.

  The first year I went after him in the fall season. I parked my Jeep and walked into the woods bordering an abandoned farmstead and was immediately rewarded with tracks, feathers and some scratched earth. I sat down against an oak trunk and got out my Quaker Boy. After only a couple scrapes, a very loud and close Cluck sounded behind me. How did I get past him without sending the tom fleeing?

  I slowly moved around the tree and scraped again.

  Another couple of scrapes and a "Gobble, gobble! Then another Cluck! Even closer. But, strangely, behind me once more.

  This went on for several long minutes, maybe an hour. I'd scrape, he'd Cluck!

  I decided that if he wasn't coming any closer, I'd go to him. Moving with my best sneaking-through-the woods-silently technique, I moved several hundred yards back the way I had come. Every time I would get a response, it would come from behind me.

  What the..?

  After three hours of this, I gave up and headed back to the Jeep.

  You know, I have always felt a bit peculiar when it comes to calling a tom. After all, I'm supposed to be this big ol' macho guy and here I am out in the woods trying to act like a horny female bird!

  As I backtracked my steps, I noticed the tracks of a big tom were right on top of mine! But facing the opposite way. He was taking the opposite direction my footprints lead!

  This went on for several years and I got so familiar with his gobble and cluck that it was like running into an old acquaintance in the woods. That is, it went on like that until the 2004 fall season. That was when the Tennessee Wildlife Management Agency first permitted turkey hunting with dogs.

  I had spent the entire summer training Earl in this new hunting method. First, I made it very clear to him that even though I was a great hunter and couldn't be outsmarted by an animal with a brain the size of a hickory nut, the Tomster had eluded me through devious and unsportsmanlike-like trickery.

  I explained in detail the Tomster's trick of backtracking in my footsteps. When I mentioned that, Earl's ears attempted to perk up. Not much more than a slight twitch, but movement anyways.

  We watched every Animal Channel show about turkeys. I took him to visit a turkey farm just north of Tiffin, Ohio. We ate turkey dinners every Thursday at Smitty's Café. When we went fishing we always took along sandwiches made with piles of Hormel Honey Roasted turkey and never missed a ball game without some of those Swanson turkey jiffy meals along with the chips and beer. (I drink Miller's, Earl prefers Corona with a lime.)

  Why I even bought three different versions of "Turkey in the Straw” and played those songs constantly. Believe you me, by the time the fall season rolled around we were ready!

  We hit the woods early and I began scraping the Quaker Boy. Not very long and "Cluck! Cluck! Gobble, gobble, cluck!

  Wow! He's up and anxious today!

  The sounds, as usual, came from behind us.

  Earl trotted off into the brush and I moved off to an old hollow beech tree to wait. Not fifteen minutes later here comes Earl out of the brush walking backwards!

  I thought, “Now what?”

  Earl looked like he was doing a four-legged imitation of Michael Jackson moon-walking out of the brush. That weird dog continued walking backwards all the way out to where I was hiding and on past me. As he again disappeared into the scrub, lo and behold, the Tomster popped out of the woods! He was walking right on top of Earl's tracks, just like he had backtracked on me! Earl had brought the Tomster right to me!

  As wild turkey hunting season approaches in many states and hunters begin to hit the woods, the National Wild Turkey Federation has the safety of turkey hunters in mind.

  Safety is a key element when you're in the woods mimicking the sounds of wild turkeys. A safe turkey hunter is much like a safe driver -- you must be defensive minded. Also, keep in mind that a safe hunter is an effective hunter. Here are 10 tips to consider when you're in the woods:

  * Leave the area if you suspect there's another hunter already working the same bird.

  * Resist the urge to stalk turkey sounds. It is nearly impossible to sneak up on a turkey. It is also unethical and could lead to an accident.

  * Select a spot that is in open timber rather than thick brush: wearing camouflage clothing and eliminating movement is more critical to success than hiding in heavy cover.

  * Sit against a large stump, blow-down, tree trunk or rock that is wider than your shoulders and higher than your head when calling wild turkeys.

  * Never wear bright colors, especially not red, white, blue or black because these are the colors of a wild turkey gobbler. Watch out for red, white or blue on your socks, t-shirts, hooded sweatshirts, hats, bandannas, etc. Wear dark undershirts and socks, and pants long enough to be tucked into boots.

  * Remain still and speak in a loud, clear voice to announce your presence to other hunters if necessary. Never move, wave or make turkey sounds to alert another hunter of your presence.

  * Keep your hands and head camouflaged when calling.

  * Maintain a clear field of view when using a camouflage blind or netting.

  * Ensure your decoy is not visible when you are transporting it. Stash the decoy in your vest and make sure the head is not sticking out. If you harvest a wild turkey during your hunting trip, you also should cover the bird's head and body when carrying it out from your hunting spot.

  * Put your gun's safety on and approach the downed bird with your firearm pointed in a safe direction after firing. Never run with a firearm.

  The National Wild Turkey Federation is committed to making hunter safety a top priority. In 1991, the NWTF initiated the National Turkey Hunting Safety Task Force to complement the hunter safety efforts of state agencies, the International Hunters Education Association, the National Rifle Association and the National Shooting Sports Foundation. The task force – composed of hunting and shooting safety experts from around the country – has met three times since 1992 to develop a comprehensive hunter safety program, and has since produced and distributed more than 1 million pieces of hunting safety information.

  Thanks to the cooperative efforts of the members of the National Turkey Hunting Task Force, the number of turkey hunting incidents continues to decrease even as turkey hunters flock to the woods in increasing numbers. Spring turkey hunting incidents have decreased from a high of 8.1 per 100,000 in 1991 to a low of 2.95 per 100,000 in 2001, the most recent year this data was updated.

  Note: Before heading afield this spring, check with your state or provincial wildlife agency for hunting seasons and bag limits.

  Founded in 1973, the NWTF is headquartered in Edgefield, S.C., and has local chapters in every state and Canada. According to many state and federal agencies, the restoration of the wild turkey is arguably the greatest conservation success story in North America's wildlife history. Visit them on-line at www.nwtf.org.